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Why I Never Date Outside My Class: Best Bits Of Fern Brady’s Live From The BBC

Now, I went out with someone at uni where the break-up was embarrassing,
to say the least. I went to a posh uni. I don’t know if you know,
Edinburgh Uni is like Hogwarts. So it was important to me to go out
with another commoner like myself, cos I’m going to tell yous right
now – I don’t fuck outside my class. LAUGHTER Don’t know if you think that’s
judgmental. Love crosses all boundaries, what about Kate Winslet
and him out of Titanic? Well, the poor person drowns
at the end of Titanic cos the rich person is
hogging all the resources. LAUGHTER I like how one girl in the
audience is like, “That’s so true.” Britain is dead class obsessed
and no-one will ever say it, but at the end of the day most of us
want to end up with someone where, when you go to their parents’ house, the furniture doesn’t make you feel
vaguely uncomfortable. And I went out with
a posh Scottish guy by accident. This isn’t me railing against
posh English people. If any of you are in,
I love how jolly you are, I love your limitless sense of
entitlement, you’re great. LAUGHTER This guy was a posh Scottish person, and I should have known he was posh cos first off, his name was Miles,
right. No-one in my town has that name. If you are a boy in my town,
you have one of three names. You’re called John, Paul
or John Paul. LAUGHTER I get this thing around my boyfriend
called intrusive thoughts, where I have these bad thoughts
that I don’t want to have. Lots of people get this when they’re standing at a busy
train station, for no reason their brain will go, “What if you jumped
in front of that train the now?” And then it goes, “But I don’t
want to come in front of the train.” Don’t worry if you get it,
it’s a way over-anxious brains try and overcompensate
to stop you having accidents. Lots of my audience have told me they get it when they are
driving their car. Their brain will go,
“What if you just went – wahey! –
and drove into a tree?” I get very creative ones
cos I’m an artist, so the latest one is, I love
cute babies, but for some reason when I see a cute baby in a buggy,
half of my brain goes, “That’s a lovely baby.”
Then the other half goes, “Yeah, but what if for no reason
at all you booted that baby
out its buggy… “..and it went flying
like a rag doll… “into the fucking sunset?” And guys, I was always disgusted –
I really mean this – disgusted by couples I would see
where the woman is significantly taller than the man. I hate tally-smally couples. I know this is taboo for me to
say as a Scottish woman where I get off the train there and feel like I’ve stepped into
Gulliver’s Travels, but I don’t like them,
I think they look silly together. It’s against nature
and God’s wish for us as a species. Like a total hypocrite,
guess what I go out with now? Tiny little Irish man. He’s tit-height. Shoulder height when he wears
his wee walking boots. And I’m fully aware that we look
stupid together, and when we go out in public people think I’m taking
my young son out for a walk. I know I’m a pervert, but I can’t
help it, I love that little guy! And I miss him a lot
when I go away for gigs. I was away on tour and
I came back after two weeks away. I opened the door to him
and I couldn’t help it, I just picked him up
and spun him round… the air.
His little legs went flying.

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