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What This Child Abuse Survivor Wishes For Christmas | Rikki Poynter


Hello, and welcome back
to the channel and Vlogmas. On my Instagram account, I asked you if you had any ideas
or requests for Vlogmas, because filming a video every day is a lot. Or, rather,
uploading a video every day is a lot, because this is pre-filmed
for accessibility reasons. But I wanted to try this year to make it a little more
Christmas related. My last two years,
not a lot were Christmas topics, but I guess I’m trying
to do more of that this year. But here’s the problem. I don’t really do Christmas, I don’t really do holidays in general because I grew up – alright, you can’t sugar-coat this, I grew up being abused as a child and holidays, while they, especially Christmas, while it started out being a thing
that happened, eventually it just fizzled out
and then stopped being a thing completely, and then it grew up into something
that I really hated. But also it grew into something
that I really wish I had because neglect and abuse
does that to you. It makes you feel various things
and it makes your life complicated. But somebody in the question form thing asked me about the things
that I would really like to do for Christmas and so, why not do something
about Christmas, what I’d like to do for Christmas, as somebody who grew up
with a not great childhood. And Christmas is supposed to be
a jolly good time for your childhood, right? But I didn’t get that very much,
so let’s do this. For more Vlogmas content, so you know you don’t miss out
on tomorrow’s video, be sure to hit the subscribe button and hit the notification bell
so you don’t miss out on any uploads. Also, if you’re someone
who would like to support this disabled creator and her work, I do have a Patreon page
if you would like to pledge. You get perks like other videos
and writing, etc, etc, and it is a huge help. And now, to the list of things
that I would like to do. The first thing is
I want a Christmas tree of my own. I mean, growing up,
we had a Christmas tree for a while and then you know, that stopped. We haven’t had a Christmas tree in… Since 2012, maybe even before that. Like I said, holidays stopped being a thing, they stopped being a happy thing, they just became bad memories, really. There’s no room in this place
for a Christmas tree. Not even a tiny one
that people would put on a bookshelf. It’s not gonna happen, but I just… There’s something about
having a Christmas tree that I really want. But I think I only want a small one. Now, when I’ve gone to my boyfriend’s
and other people’s places, there was a tree there,
but it wasn’t my tree, so it doesn’t feel the same and I might have had an ornament
here and there to put on it but it doesn’t feel the same at all. Or, you know what,
even if it was my Christmas tree if I were to be involved
in the process of putting it up, it might feel a little bit more like my own and just, you know, having a good time. But, yeah, that hasn’t happened for a while. I don’t know when
that will happen again, but… ‘Cause by the time I usually
go up to visit people, their Christmas tree is already there, so. But yeah, that’s a little something
that would be nice. I wanna watch Christmas movies
and drink hot chocolate. Now, this isn’t a thing
that I haven’t done for years. I’m pretty sure I did this
two Christmases ago with someone, but you know what?
I just wanna do it again. But I want a real like,
we plan this, we sit down, we have all the hot cocoa
and be in comfortable pyjamas and just have like
a Christmas movie marathon. And I need someone to watch
‘Nine Lives of Christmas’ with me over and over again,
and I want somebody to enjoy it. Yes, it’s a cheesy Hallmark movie but there’s lots of cats involved and I wanna watch it with someone
that would actually enjoy it for me. Even if they understand, I don’t care if you comment
on the cringe factor. I know it’s cheesy,
I know it’s a little bit cringy, but I wanna watch it with someone
who isn’t gonna hate the movie and insult it right in front me knowing it’s one of my favourite movies. I’ve seen that movie so many times,
I love it so much. And I just wanna watch
other Christmas movies. No, I haven’t seen ‘Die Hard’ yet. I know somebody’s gonna come at me
in the comments for that. Now, for someone who doesn’t really
like parades very much, for some reason, three,
I wanna go to a Christmas parade. I think this is just me
wanting to have the moments that I feel like I should have had
when I was a kid, and I just wanna go see a Christmas parade. I think I saw one,
I think this is a very vague memory, I went by myself with some old friends
like once six years ago, five years ago. I don’t even remember it, but like, I would like this to become a regular thing,
I don’t know. But really anything public like that
was a very rare thing because my dad and I would not
wanna go out in public with my abuser because she would always start something and it was embarrassing
and it was a hassle to bring her anywhere. So, like, I mean, when we go out to eat, I mean when my dad’s in town, nobody’s coming with him,
it’s just him and it’s just me, and we’re going out to eat without her, so. Look, it was just, I dunno,
I just wanna go to these public fancy things, like four, the Christmas market, and be able to get into a little bit
of the holiday cheer with other people. I did go to Toronto Christmas Market in 2017, was really cool to see. I don’t know if there’s one locally
here in Charlotte and I’m not entirely sure
if there’s one around Jersey? I wouldn’t be surprised
if there’s one in New York, which is an hour away from my boyfriend, but if there’s one I wanna go,
I just wanna see it, I like seeing these things. And then the last one, number five, I want someone to play in the snow with me. I realise I sound like a 12-year-old
or a ten-year-old probably, and I’m 28,
but I wanna build a snowman. No, this is not a ‘Frozen’ pun,
get out of here. I wanna build a snowman,
I want snowball fights. I want to just sit in the snow. Granted, I would probably need to
buy clothing for all this kind of stuff because doing it in jeans
I would imagine is not fun. And I don’t wanna fall on my butt either
’cause that hurts. I can’t remember the last time
someone played in the snow with me. I am not gonna cry while I film this video,
oh, my God. Just thinking about all the things
that I really missed out on because of how I grew up. I don’t know, I feel like maybe
I was in elementary or middle school and that was the last time anyone
wanted to play in the snow with me. Because, one,
abuser didn’t wanna go outside and play in the snow with me, and also my dad would never wanna
come home because of her. I wouldn’t get him
to play in the snow with me because he’s not around to do it. Why am I laughing?
Because this is a disappointment and this is how I deal with it, aargh. It’s amazing that even if
you don’t like snow, like me, you don’t like cold, like me,
because your body can’t handle it, but it’s amazing what a crappy childhood
will do to you because you want to live, or relive I guess,
some Christmas moments because you want them
to be happy memories, you want to turn them into something happy instead of what they currently are,
which is sad, yeah. So, those are five things
that I would love to do for Christmas. Some memories that I would like to change. You know, I haven’t done Christmas
in so long really, that I actually had to Google
what people do for Christmas holidays because I didn’t know what normal,
happy families do, oh, that’s so sad. Like obviously they’re decorating their tree and then watching Christmas movies but other than that, I was just like, what do you normal, happy,
functional family people do? Anyways, let me know
what you would like to do for Christmas and you don’t even have to have lived
the same life that I did. I don’t wanna make this
even more depressing than it already is. But I guess if you also relate,
let’s relate some more in the comments, but really, anybody, what do you do for Christmas normally and what are the things
that you would like to do if you have not done them yet? Let’s have a conversation, OK? If you would like to help translate this video I’ll have a translation link down below
in the description box, very helpful. Please give this video a share,
thumbs up, helps out the channel. Thank you for taking the time
out of your day to watch this video and I will see you later. Bye. (PIANO MUSIC)

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