Stand Up Comedy: “Foreign Language Lessons”
August 8, 2019
About a year ago, I had to go to Italy for work. And before you think, “Oh, what’s that guy complaining about his job for?” I should tell
you that I went to Vicenza, Italy. Vicenza is really the Scranton of Italy. So…it really wasn’t that great of a trip. I did get to stay at nice hotel though and the only reason I knew it was a nice hotel is because there was a cat that lived in the lobby. In Italy, if there’s a cat living in your hotel, that’s charming. In the United States, that usually means there’s a good chance at one point in time someone was murdered in your room. Nonetheless, on the first night there, the walls start shaking at 4 in the morning. I’m like “That couple upstairs is about to get it on.” And then a few seconds go by and they really start shaking. I’m like “That’s a large couple upstairs. Good for them that they found each other.” Because I love love. But then like a few more seconds went by and I was like, “That’s not the people upstairs getting it on. This is an earthquake.” Now, I had never been through an earthquake before. The only earthquake I had been through was the one that we had here on the east coast and that doesn’t count. That was an earthquake the way Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant. It doesn’t count. So, the walls start shaking. I hear people running out into the hallway. They’re yelling stuff in Italian. So I ran out in the hall with my little dictionary and I couldn’t find earthquake so the best thing I could come up with to yell was “Everything is shaky shaky!” which…Don’t yell that. Little tip for you. I tell you this story because I’m mad. I’m mad at these audio lessons that trick you into thinking that you’re actually learning a language. You go through all these lessons and they teach you the dumbest things that you never even need to learn. Stuff like, “Hey, how much is that dog in the window?” Like I’m going to buy a dog when I’m in Italy. That’s stupid. They need to teach you important things. Things like “Earthquake.” It’s terremoto by the way. Learned that one the hard way. Or other important things like, “Hey there’s a bomb on this bus and if the speed drops below 50 miles an hour, we’re all gonna die.” Or even, “How much is that cat in the window?” Like I said earlier, Italian cats are charming. I may want to purchase one and take one home.