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Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

Onion News Network Scientists at Tulane university’s
primate research center announce they have taught
a gorilla that someday it will die. Nate Meredith has more
in “The Lab Report”. “The Lab Report” Thanks Stan. In an historic first, a team of
primatologists has succeeded in teaching Quigley,
a western lowland gorilla, the concept of mortality
and his inevitable doom. Lana Borrows and Phillip Townsend
are the researchers leading the project. When we first started with Quigley,
he was just a normal happy ape, not a care in the world. The first thing we did,
was we taught him patterns, like red block, blue block,
green block, over and over. Then it became a pattern of, gorilla born, gorilla grow, gorilla die,
over and over. The researchers then showed Quigley
photographs of dead, dying gorillas, while communicating the phrases,
“You some day” and “No choice”. It took thousands of repetitions,
but Quigley finally became cognisant of the correlation between himself and the decomposing pile of
hair and flesh in the photo. Quigley shared his feelings in a confessional
after completing each exercise. Muscles. Mine. Will rot away. -That was a great moment.
-Yes. Quigley also began painting pictures
like these almost everyday, to make sure Quigley retains
the awareness of his own demise the team spent several hours per day
reinforcing the certainty of deaths arrival. Quigley, you die!
You will die soon! The researchers say at first Quigley
could only communicate rudimentary fears about his own death, but he soon moved on
to expressing more complex emotions, like indifference and self hatred. Stupid Quigley. Now sees truth. Existence. Cruel joke. And just two days ago Phillip Townsend
and his colleagues even witnessed what they believe to have been
a panic attack in Quigley. He was letting out these anguished cries
and banging his head against the wall. I just thought, “we did it”. The Tulane scientists believe that
we may be able to teach a gorilla to resort to alcoholism or even
try to kill itself in as little as a decade. The scientists next plan to test
whether the results with Quigley can be replicated
with other species. They’re on the initial stages of teaching
bunny rabbits that they will all die. You will both die. These are thrilling times.
For “The Lab Report”- I’m Nate Meredith. Thanks Nate. Scientists in Britain are conducting
a similar study, teaching a mouse with a human ear
grafted to its back, what a freak it is. Still ahead this hour… Delta Pilot caught siphoning
gas from southwest plane.

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