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Saying no is hard. These communication tips make it easy. | Michelle Tillis Lederman

“No” doesn’t feel so good. We feel a little uncomfortable. We feel bad saying no. “No” to something is
“yes” to something else. And that’s the first thing
you need to think about to give yourself permission to say no. My husband actually put a sticky
note on my computer for about a year with the word “no” on it. And it really did give
me permission to say no and to remember that that’s allowed. So that’s the first thing. Then you want to think about how
to say no and how to say yes. Because yes and no are
never one-word answers. My favorite on the no
side is “no, but…” “No, not right now. No, but I could do this instead. No, but this person
might be interested.” I look to give a no with the
opportunity for a yes later. For example, somebody asked
me to do a pro bono talk. Happy to do those things if
they meet certain criteria. This criteria was driving two hours
in rush hour to talk to 30 people. It wasn’t going to meet that criteria. And I said, if you can get x
number of people in the room, and we can do it during this time
of day, then I’m happy to do it. So “No, but here’s
how you can get a yes” is a great way to enable somebody
to feel OK and for you to feel OK and not want to avoid that
extended relationship. So when we use a “no, but,”
we give them an opportunity for a “yes” down the road. But we also can use
the “no, but” to help them find another way to get that help. No, but there’s this great
resource you may want to look into. No, but I do know somebody
who’s working on that. Let me ask if they might be
interested in connecting. No, but. I might not be able to help you. But I’m happy to give
you ideas on how you can get the help you’re looking for. Sometimes you want to
and get to say yes. So we want to sometimes
qualify our yes: “Yes, if…” Yes, if you can get this done for me. Or yes, if you can get this
many people in the room. Or yes, if. It could be “yes, after.” Yes, I’d love to get
on the phone with you after I’m done with this big
project that I’m working on, or after I get back from vacation. Just giving yourself a
little breathing room in when and the timing of when that follow
through will actually happen. So we have “yes, if.” We have “yes, after.” We could have “yes, with.” Yes, with your assistance. Or yes, with another party. I’m happy to work on that. Yes, with some training. So “yes, if,” “yes, after,”
“yes, with,” or even “yes, when.” And when could be, when I feel
that I’m really ready to do that. Yes, when I have gotten that
training that we talked about. “Yes, when.” So all of these things help
give you a little bit of space and manage the expectations of
the follow through of that yes.

59 Replies to “Saying no is hard. These communication tips make it easy. | Michelle Tillis Lederman”

  • Saying no is a matter of having integrity and not going along, just to please the peers.
    Standing up for yourself and your values is very important.

  • Yikes. When you're overthinking your words and what to say, you're no longer having a real conversation.

  • "No means yes to something else" is a great quote. The rest of this was a little unnecessary but still, thanks for that quote 🙂

  • My therapist says that 'no' is a full sentence… I dont agree with adding the but afterwords because it softens it too much. I do like the 'yes if…' though!

  • In Australia we just say maybe.
    It confuses the heck out of Americans, apparently, who think 'maybe' means 'maybe.'

    Really, we're just politely telling you to vigorously fist yourself. I mean, maybe.

  • Saying no shows how ,much you love yourself. Those that do not have the ability to say no to things that they do no agree with to please others just shows a lack of self love and self fulfillment. Learn to say no to learn to truly love yourself.

  • Never had problems in saying no, but sometimes saying yes is hard, as it requires you to act, move, and sometimes even change. While no is just no. It's not as influencing as a yes can be.

  • I was offered overtime and I wanted to say no. I ended up saying yes, and I know my future self will thank me when the cash rolls in!

  • First thing I had to watch this morning before my work calls me in to work an extra shift 😒, Thank You.

  • Good luck getting the future guests to sit on camera and explain "Yes" or "I don't know" I'm not interested in this garbage

  • I can think of many situations where "yes" or "no" are perfectly acceptable, and even expected, one-word answers.

  • Ha! This is so American. They're equally unable to say the words "wrong" and "lie" so they say "not right" and "not true" instead.

  • HEY GUYS! Just wondering if youi all could plz chek out my chanel and subsbribe. I maek daily fortnite and minecfart videos and I need to pay for my bills so pls like all my videos and shaer with all your friends! Also I haev a petreon acc so plz donate all your moneys!! :))))))))

  • lol – i am always told im too negative.

    Society hates those who are not team players. Saying No is anti society.

    Yet i say no alot because im A-Social

  • absolutely one of the most underrated issues in business. Great video. I will be sharing this with the entire office.

  • I hate this. It's so wimpy. How about: No. Period. It's not my responsibility to make someone else feel better when I exercise my right to decline to do something I don't want to do. The best advice I ever got was: "You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Ever." One of the things women do is try to make other people feel better. Let's learn we dont have to. Be polite, smile, and say "No." Period.

  • So basically saying No but your willing to say Yes when you've been given an informed choice as to WHY you SHOULD and it helps you determined IF you can do it, details are definitely important and lately at 28 nearing 29 i'm starting to understand the importance of informed choices even if i'm met with a lot of resistance from bad people who try to make me feel bad or gaslight me for saying No I KNOW i need the details FIRST of what you're Asking or Proposing and i think it's totally fair 🙂 normally i'm just SO blunt about it that i can come off as very rude which NOBODY takes well so i want to try some of these, i feel like already i've started to improve for my own self dignity b4 watching this video though i've caught on now.

    Another good one is "I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one" if your unsure because people try to rope you into saying Yes immediately in any way and try to get more clever with the details to make it seem like it's an informed choice with details and i don't like that so NEVER feel insecure about feeling unsure about something either and you don't want to be a lier to people either by saying Yes to them and then finding out you really can't help or don't know.

  • My favourite is the "No, and…"
    No, and never ask me again.
    No, and go away for ever.
    No, and you need to be a better human.

  • Sometimes "No" is the kindest word. Had a lot of difficulty saying NO when I was younger, insecure and afraid of missing out! Now it is way more easy, I am trained now 😉 And my life is def. better because of it.

  • I think a larger part of the issue is to do with being boundaries. And revolves around not knowing yourself enough; not thinking clearly about what you are about, or loving and respecting and believing in yourself and what you know, affecting self esteem. These little superficial techniques like “no, but…” don’t address the core problem.

  • Not likely
    Hell no
    Hell no, no GD way
    Didn’t you hear me?
    Don’t even bring it up

    I’m going to get you

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