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Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

82 Replies to “Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)”

  • There are written materials on NVC and parenting at nonviolentcommunication dot com.

    Inbal Kashtan, the trainer in this video, can be reached at baynvc dot org.

    The NVC Academy has a program called NVC Live! that has regular training segments on NVC, some of which are on parenting, at nvctraining dot com.

  • dear timmyzeus,
    can you imagine that in time people who relate to one another on this level develop a kind of shorthand nvc communication? that has been my experience with nvc.

  • Just back from a retreat with Inbal. I value the passion and insights that Inbal shares with the world.

  • Always will be grateful for your teachings, Inbal. Fun to watch this video and how quickly you model NVC. How many times I have heard, Why isn't NVC taught to children? Inbal is helping children and parents to have a more enriched lif.

  • lol "i wonder by the way i react, is it something fun to watch??" lol.

    Only fun if your parents are frustrated and angry but unable to pull the switch and actually punish you. I still think a healthy level of corporate punishment is good. But it must be combined with nonagressive connecting conversations.

    Good video all in all

  • We're defining needs as a universal quality that all people possess. We define a strategy as the way we get the need met. So, as you pointed out, using negative attention fulfills the need for attention in some way, it makes negative attention a strategy to meet the need for attention. Even if attention is a need, it is also a strategy to get other, often deeper needs met like acknowledgment, love and belonging. That's what Inbal was wanting to point out.

  • We use these definitions as a way of working with needs and strategies and to help us navigate our way down to the deeper needs that often motivate us.

  • wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!!! do it because I said so!! it's not about what the kid wants, kids need to learn boundaries and respect else they'll never learn to stand on their own two feet.

    you CAN'T be friends with your kids – it will mess them up!!

  • if we love and respect our children then we will want to connect with them on a deeper level. yes, they come from us, however, they are not us and they too have their own ideas and needs in this life, yes, even as small children. respecting their ideas and their needs allows them to feel and know they are loved. no where in this video is it said to not create boundaries, quite the contrary. she is creating boundaries, from a healthy loving place. blessings on your journey~

  • how do you expect to be taken seriously when you be this way? I hope you find a place of peace and power in your life.

  • that's the idea. it is called communication, teaching the child to communicate his or her feelings allows many wonderful possibilities in the child's life. do you remember what it was like to be a child and no one cared about your hurtful heart? thank goodness adults are realizing the importance of respecting these precious creatures. children deserve to be respected, how else can they learn what respect is. blessings to you~

  • how would you like it if a giant came up to you & told you everything you are doing is wrong & when you do not do it his way he harshly punished you & hit you? we are like giants to these children considering our size. they love & adore us & we must meet them in a loving way. how much better would this life be if everyone treated one another with loving kindness? mistakes I have made with my own children & humans in general. thankfully there is grace & forgiveness heals. blessings~

  • time is always in the way of our quality of life isn't it? the good news is we don't have to let it be. in the video she was elaborating – I feel you though. I've been teaching myself to be present with what is, if I'm doing the dishes, walking, showering, etc. it has helped me a great deal with my over all stress levels and how I interact with others. I am a work in progress and I am thankful. blessings~

  • ok I am on the assumption that this post was a reply to me, so all things I say are based off that assumption.

    First, Straw man augment much. You totally miscomprehended or misrepresented what I had said in my post. You then exaggerated it to the point where even I would declare that as child abuse. What I said was a healthy level, I don't know many people who would define that as beating your kid whenever he doesn't do something your way. Nor, would I condone telling your kid that everything

  • he does is wrong.

    To me, what a healthy level would be, is if your kid tells her teacher to "Fuck off" then you tell your kid that this is incorrect behavior, you yell at your kid so he understands the message, and then you ground him. If he tells you to go fuck yourself or he threatens you (and teenagers do, I was one only a few years back), then you hit him. This does not mean you punch his lights out. It means you grab him, put him over your knee and spank him.

  • The reason I would do this, is so when my child (purely fictional by the way lol) goes into the society, he will realizes that a similar consequence will happen if he does that to someone else. My dad did not spank or hit me often. But one time, I slammed the door on my mom, told her to fuck off and I was being very aggressive. My dad came into the room and pushed me down to the floor. Then he yelled at me, he didn't even need to hit me, but It was enough to snap me back to reality.

  • Now enough with the anecdotal since all they do is display emotion with little valuable evidence attached.

    I realize that you are very Utopian in nature, but I would not prepare my kids for what life could be but rather what it is.

    And I agree that you should speak with your children like their adults and like you expect them to act like ones. I don't think it is realistic, but I think demeaning a child intellect is child abuse since it stunts their ability permanently.

  • You shouldn't try to connect with your kid when they're being naughty, you should just draw a line. Other times are for connecting and discussing your kids ideas. And yes, of course you should try and meet their needs, but are they really the best people to judge what they need? You can't always get what you want.

  • the point is about our size and how children might feel intimidated by us especially if we think it is okay to hit them in response to their supposed bad behavior. no child is bad just misunderstood…most of us do not take the time to hear them, instead we label them as bad or whatever. I know I miss the mark ALOT & it is my continued desire to be more than what the adults in my childhood were to me. it is as if people grow up and forget what it was like to be a little person with no rights.

  • it is not about giving over control to the child. of course a child cannot & should not be responsible for things above their understanding. sometimes children are misbehaving because they are confused or upset or they simply need our attention. we live in such a hurried world & if we slow down we can see their needs are not being met & this is why they act up. we must take time to be present truly present. then we see a difference in their behavior.

  • if you respect your child while he or she is growing up then they won't be a teenager that says fuck you and act like a jerk. if you treat your kid with disrespect then you get what you gave. period, end of story. so, either you are looking to get a rise out of people or you are completely mixed up. either way I hope you find peace in your life because what you say is what you are and what you are is important.

  • talking to a child with respect is not treating them like an adult.

    all living creature deserve to be treated with respect.

  • it is true. if you believe it to be false then it will be false in your life. our life is a reflection how we behave – if we behave with hate then we will see hate and be hated – if we behave with love and kindness then we will receive love and kindness. I hope you know love soon so you can stop feeling this need to hurt everything outside of yourself and inside of yourself. blessings on your journey…

  • you are not making any sense – you use the word liberal over and over and it has nothing to do with this conversation other than the fact you keep using it. this is not a political discussion and if it were you would deem yourself unworthy because you choose to be insulting. work out your anger please, life is too short to spend it being upset.

  • I am not saying you should not strive for improvement. I just think you concept of improvement is too idealistic. I think your idea that no child is bad is fallacious and I would dare you to support that with statistics. I will disprove it with one incident. In my hometown (2300 people) a girl of the age of 12, had a boyfriend who was 21 and she convinced her boyfriend to help her kill her parents and her little brother. Isn't she just a innocent angel.

  • Don't bring the modern world into this argument, as if it is relevant. 100 years ago, corporal punishment was the norm for everything, and they didn't have the hurried world we do. I think if anything, our hurried world has improved the life of children.

    Children act up for many reasons. To describe all these reasons as a need is to mute the meaning of the word need. I would say they act up (I certainly did) from greed.

  • validate that statement. essentially you said that I was justified in telling my mom to fuck off. please provide evidence to your claim (prove that kids only act up in homes of disrespectful parents). Probably the reason I have grown up as well as I have, is because my parents always respected my opinion and listened to me when I expressed it. This is different from agreeing with me always.

  • I would say treat them as an adult to the extent of their capability. This comment was referring to the idea that parents should demean their child for being "stupid" or making mistakes. If a child makes an outrageous claim, challenge him/her on it, but don't call them names, teach them to defend arguments and thought.

    I agree all living creatures deserve some respect, but not all at an equal level. I do not respect my hairdresser as much as I respect Hawkins. And I like the taste of cows.

  • I have nothing further to say. I didn't want to seem rude & not reply at all.

    life is far more than meets ones eye… peace on your journey.

  • This type of communication gets to the needs of both the child and the parent. When you got a whopping, your parents needs for control were met. I can hear that some of your needs for were not met and now it comes out in anger for children who are not whopped and hurt the way you were.
    So I know for me that when I get angry it is a message that I have a need that is not being met or perhaps not even acknowledged. I suspect you have a need for equality – just a guess.

  • I understand your need for truth. Life gets confusing and it's hard to trust that anyone really cares about you. I also share your need for trust and honesty. I know that when I am scared or threatened I find it hard to always tell the truth. I have a hope that there will be a world someday that gives us a safe place to be real with each other without the fear of recrimination.

  • Sorry for the late reply. I don't understand how you can justify a statement like that. You essentially said that he has a need to see other people beat up since he was. And your only basis was that he agrees with corporal punishment, and disagrees with you.

  • With respect to the comment about the kid who tells people to fuck off. I was occasionally given corporal punishments for my more severe offenses and I told my mom on one occasion in my entire life, to fuck off. Two of my friends in high school had parents who did not believe in corporal punishment. I have witnessed both of them tell their parents to fuck off multiple times.

  • The reality I am referring to is that some people will react harshly to other peoples inconsiderate nature. My dad stood up for my mom, I can not fault him for that and neither should you. What I was trying to point out is that my dad didn't beat me senseless. He simply established that he was not going to sit back and let me get away with my unjustifiable aggression.

    This is how I was raised, I think I could make improvements on it, but I don't think it was a horrible method.

  • I can respect you and your method. Maybe I am hearing what I want to here, but what I understand is that you believe in using psychology to raise your kids and work with people. But you understand that theory of communication does not apply equally in all situations, but should be adapted to fit.

  • This lady hit it right on the head. So glad there are others thinking out there in the interests of humanity, and communication and functioning more holistically.
    it's beautiful.

  • Awesome advice! There's so much truth in this that I wish this way of thinking was more main-stream! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  • Wow! Talk about getting down to the core of what's happening and how everything is about meeting basic needs! I love this! Especially the part about where you hold your child – if you think of them as defiant and obstinate – that's what you'll get!

  • I think this is pretty good info. I know when I was a teen I hated being sat down and talked to by my parents. I'd pick up my clothes off of the floor just as a way to not have to hear them talking to me about whether or not I'm frustrated.

  • It's not a real kid, it's easy to make a fake conversion. Each time I talk to myself about a raise, I get it – with my real boss not that much.

  • Using a perverse and meaningless translation dictionary….. then sure.

    But I like your way of thinking, we can now all appreciate with wall street millionaires lobby the government to use force to steal our money for bailouts. After all, Greed = Need lol.


  • have you ever encountered a situation where violence was the only option. for example, child says "hey running out in front of cars looks fun", you start to say "no actually it isn't because…", but child decides that he inst interested in your explanations and that instead hes going to do a little experimentation on his own to find out for himself why it may or may not be fun. Thus you would be forced to physically restrain him which is clearly violence.

  • Yes, in NVC we have a term called "protective use of force," and if a child runs out on the street in front of cars, using restraint to save the child's life is the thing to do. Sometimes making a request or negotiating is superseded by an immediate need for safety. Afterward, I could have a talk with the child and explain what I did and how much protecting his/her safety means to me.

  • ive managed to avoid it entirely thus far by just controlling my daughters environment. Even when she starts messing with something that could choke her i dont have to take it from her i just ask nicely and she voluntarily gives it every time. However she is only 1year and 3months so I had a feeling that even the best parent wouldn't be able to avoid it forever. BTW thanks for the great work you are doing it just might be the most important thing in the world, literally.

  • Inbal Kashtan does not seem to be very experienced (although the group seems to be a difficult one, interrupting one-another and being far from understanding needs), but it might be a wrong impression. Reading and talking about NVC changed my life, but because I work with children I am very interested into deepening my knowledge. Are there any NVC parenting workshops through europe?

  • Just out of curiosity, what would happen if nearly everyone in the world decided to adopt and embody NVC, but there still exists a group of individuals that are impossible to communicate with, in that they are hell-bent on destroying anyone who disagrees with them, and actually plan to do so. Basically, as a social philosophy, can NVC ever be used to justify war? Because "protective use of force" sounds exactly like such a justification, admittedly in a much different context.

  • This video is so touching! And can I say I love inbal's voice, i it's warm and comforting. If I were upset i'd want her talking to me.

  • In this case may be we have to be more direct and correct, but what the trainer is explanning is how to connect with our children in the ocassion that we have a chance, especially trying to change our point of view about children´s behaviour or attitude. Let´s think that children are not trying to bother us, but they are calling our attencion.

  • a very cool question. the easiest way to think about these complicated questions is to try to drill down to the principal by eliminating variables. so lets say you are in the grocery store and a man is beating on a woman, do you have the right to intervene? if he keeps assaulting do you have the right to punch him? if he escalates further do you have the right to shoot him? i think the answer is yes, so if this principal extends to individuals it should extend to groups of individuals.

  • yes i agree. i dont believe in objective standards of morality so by extension i dont believe in "punishing" people either.

  • hello all im only 1 min in so far but I hear major alarm bells ringing strong in reguards to that lady manifesting her presumption of negative intent.if that lady ever lernt about the law of attraction(the law in witch all existence operated based in conscious thought)she would know what a master of law of attraction she is to create exactly what she is in the loop of saying to her self.if any one is interested look up BASHAR OR ABRAHAM HICKS.MY DEEPEST LOVE TO YOU ALL NAMESTE MELISSA.

  • Becoming conscious of hurtful patterns and being willing to change those patterns is the greatest gift we can give children"

  • What an invaluable resource! My husband particularly connected with this so thank you – more please!

  • wow. this is full of insightful considerations. this video supplies my need for understanding that I seek to obtain in my relationship with my children. Thank you very much.

  • After watching that bout 7 minutes one question occured to me:
    how can full working parents reassemble communication towards their children into NVC.
    I gave up working, being a lone parent, and chose financial poverty.
    cause I could not bare how rough I started treating my child.

    We really need NVC as well as ecological awareness (f.e. Fritjof Capra)
    as school subject.
    There are so many creative possibilities.

  • I've had close experiences where the parent has that perspective, and seems to be really profoundly blind to the needs of the child and their own suffering. When the kid is desperately begging for help with a serious issue and is deeply suffering, how could a person think the kid just wants to "make life hard" ? What a shallow and cruel dismissal of a human being. And it's always the parents I see doing the worst of it. They are blinded by their own suffering to a point of being detached from reality and unable to see their own kid as a human with needs.

  • Wow, what a beautiful exchange. I felt a lot of love in my heart because my need for understanding and to experience compassion was met.

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