How to say NO! Communication skills that work
September 10, 2019
Fourth dimensional patterns within eternity’s
monolith wood, he suggests. See, merely — you probably don’t under what I was saying, and
I’ll tell you the truth. I don’t. Hi. James from EngVid. Looking at a Kindle, and I’m going
to be using this in this lesson to teach you something. Today, what I’d like to do is
help you with saying no in English. Saying no in any language is a very difficult thing
to do simply because — well, there are a few reasons. People want what they want, okay?
And they don’t like hearing “no”. People take it personally. Even though you’re saying no
to the request, it’s usually, “You don’t like me. That’s why you said no.” We all have that,
right? And the third thing about saying no is if you keep saying no, it’s hard to have
good communication because there’s a lot of negative conversational energy there. So we
want to get rid of that and get rid of that word “no”. We’re going to — I’m going to help
you today. Why? Because you need practice in conversation so that you can have the best
relationships you can have. Right? Right. So what we’re going to do is learn how to
say no without saying “no” so that you can maintain your relationships and free yourself
up a little bit. All right? Let’s go to the board. Nein. Nyet. No. Non. Nada. “Nada” means “nothing”.
Not quite “no”, but you get the drift. All right? So Mr. E’s saying no. He doesn’t like
something. But how can you say no without getting into trouble? Let’s go to work, for
instance. We’re going to go to the board, and we’re going to do an example at work.
Happens all the time, right? Now, especially if you’re a new person learning English, and
you’re trying to use English on the job, the last thing you want to do is tell your boss,
“No.” Because you must work hard. This is the job. Okay? You already know this. So let’s
see how you talk to a superior or a boss and say no. You’re asked to do another job when you have
already got a lot of important work to do. So what do you say? How do you get out of
this? You don’t. You say something like this. “Sure. I can do it. However, I won’t be able
to do this other thing you want done. Now, which one is more important to you?” Seems
simple? It is, and it’s very effective, and I’ll explain why. This is why it works. First
of all you let them choose. When you’re saying no to someone, you’re kind of taking away
power because you have the power to say yes or no. You say no; they lose their power.
You’re giving it back. I’m saying you have the power to choose what you want. What do
you want to do? That’s powerful by itself. They feel good. They’re
like, “I get to choose?” Next. You’re not rejecting the request. To
reject means no. I didn’t say “no”; I said “sure”. “Sure” is the exact opposite of “no”.
You’re saying, “Yeah. I can do it for you. No problem. I’d love to. Problem.” But it’s
not your problem; it’s their problem. They have to choose what they want. Okay? You’re
saying, “You get to choose, but I’m happy to help you either way.” I’m saying yes because
I’m that kind of person. Right? Also, you’re reminding your boss — you’re telling her,
you know, that, “Hey, look. I’ve got other work of equal importance because I’ve got
this job and this job, and you know they’re both important you gave them to me. You
need to choose and help me here.” Right? So by reminding them of that, you’re reminding
them that even though you’re a foreigner learning English, your work is valuable and so are you
and you should be respected a bit. Right? After all, they hired you and they’re giving
you the work. So I hope you liked that one because you don’t spend all your time in the
office do you? I don’t think so. You have relationships. So the next one I’m going to do
is going to help you win your relationships. Are you ready? Let’s go there. Hi. We talked about work. And you have to
say no sometimes at work. But you also have personal relationships outside of work. And
this one’s especially made for that. A lot of times, people offer you things to get you
to do things you don’t want to do. They’re being what we call “sneaky” because they know
you would say no, so they offer you something that you have to say yes to. So let’s get
— let’s use some English to get you out of that trap, shall we. So you’ve got a friend or relative that wants
you to help them. Maybe Johnny says, “Hey, come over to my place for some beers, and
then, we can paint a fence. He’s offering you beer, but he wants you to paint a fence.
And you don’t want to paint that fence. Or, “Hey. Why don’t you come and visit me this
summer. I’ve got some work to do, and you could help me. I’ll pay for your plane.” Nice,
but uh-huh. So here’s what we’re going to do in your relationships.
You can use this one. So if someone offers you presents or money
in order to bribe you — “bribe” means to use money, get you to do something you’re
not supposed to do because you’re receiving something. So a policeman shouldn’t take money
for doing his job. That’s his job, saving your life. If he said, “I’ll only save you
if you pay me”, then he’s saying, “Give me a bribe.” Or, “I won’t give you a ticket when
you’re speeding when you’re driving” — he wants a bribe. This is bad. Your friends shouldn’t
bribe you. You want to do it because you want to. So here’s how you can say no without saying
“no” while you’re learning English and still keep that friendship. Okay? So here’s what
you say. “Hey! Thanks for the offer. But” — place excuse here — okay. The excuse could
be anything. You can say, “Thanks for the offer, but I’m busy that weekend.” Don’t lie
because if you lie, it just comes back later. Tell the truth. “Thanks for the offer, but
really, I’m not into painting. But it was really nice of you to think about me.” Yeah?
Or, “Thanks for the offer, but that’s a long in the future. I don’t know if I’m going to
be able to fly to Europe to come see you, you know?” Don’t lie.
Just tell the truth. But here’s why it works. So this is what you
say — this is what they’re offering; this is what you say. Here’s why it works. First,
you acknowledge the offer. Acknowledging says, “Hey. I know that you said this. I didn’t
ignore you. I listened to you. I appreciate it.” And you show appreciation. That’s what
the thanks is for. “Thank you. I mean, you thought about me. You could’ve asked many
people, but you asked me, and I appreciate that.” Okay? Your “but” is for you — and I’ll
come back to it in a second. You also give them an out. When you give someone
an “out”, you give them a way to escape from getting in trouble. If I need an “out”, if
means I’m in a situation that’s not good. And just like anything, I need a door or an
exit to get out. Okay? Now, “loss of face”. “Loss of face” means you look bad. Now, gentleman,
you will understand this. Have you ever walked up to a bunch of girls at a party or dance,
and there’s a pretty girl sitting there, and you walk up, and you’re like, “Excuse me.”
Of course, with your Kindle in your hand. “Hi. I saw you from over there, and I thought
we could — dance with me?” The girl has two ways of doing this. If she offers you an out,
she could just say, “Hey. That sounds great, but you’ve got your Kindle. You might want
to put that down. You don’t want to break it, right?” That’s offering you an out. She’s
saying no, but giving you a way to walk away and tell your friends, “She was concerned
about my Kindle. I’ll ask her again later.” Okay? And loss of face — by saying that she
doesn’t make you look bad in front of the other girls or your friends. So when someone
doesn’t have a loss of face or you don’t want to give them loss of face, you try to make
them not look back so they get to make the decision. Here, you’re saying, “Thank you
for the offer, but it’s a long time in the future, and I don’t know if you’re going to
want me to come or what’s going on.” And they can say, “Oh, yeah. I know what you’re saying.
Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you later.” They get to step away. Nobody looks bad. Right?
“Hey! Come and paint my fence for the beers.” “Dude, I’d love to, but you know I’m not really
a good painter, right?” “Yeah, yeah. I don’t want to do it again. My girlfriend will kill
me.” You give them an out to escape, and they don’t have to look bad. Cool? That’s why this works, and that’s why this
is good for relationships. Now, how about we do one more, and we’re going to work on
both relationships and your work environment. This one you’re going to love.
Right, E? Okay. So as I promised, we’re on the third
part right now. And the third part will have work and relationships — combining
the two. This is a beautiful one. So let’s just say you’re being asked to do
something, and then, step by step, this person’s telling you what to do. So they say, “Hey. Can
you help me paint my wall?” Great. You’re painting, and they say, “Well, you know, it’s
always better to go horizontal or vertical or blah. And you should do this, and you should
do that.” And you’re like, “Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh.” No. Look. You’re not anybody’s
personal robot. Someone can ask you to do something and let you do the job, or they
can assist you doing the job. But to watch you and tell you while they watch you — I
don’t know about you, I’m not for that. And now, this can happen at work and at home,
but you always have to have that balance, right? Especially as I’ve noted or I’ve said,
you are learning a language, and you need as much practice as you can get. So you don’t
want to cause people to be upset, right? So let’s take a look at what you can say. What
you say is this, “Hey. I think it’s better if you do it yourself because you know exactly
how you want it done.” Sneaky, right? Why? Well, this is why. I’m going to start at the
bottom and work up, and I’ll tell you why. What you’re doing is you’re acknowledging
that they’re the only one who knows exactly — or they’re the only ones who know exactly
what they want. You’re telling them, “Hey, dude, only you know what you want, and I’m
just going to make it bad.” And now, go here. Reason why? You’re also saying, “Listen. I’ll
help you, but I’m not your personal slave. I’m not your personal robot.” Okay? So you
acknowledged that they’re the only ones that know what they want, but you’re telling them,
“I’m not your robot.” Here’s the second thing. I’m telling you this is going to happen. When the
job is done, and when you walk away, they’re going to start the complaining process. They’re
going to say, “This wasn’t done. I would’ve done this I. Would’ve done that.” I’m telling
you: Avoid it. You can avoid it just by not doing the job. But remember, saying “I’m not
going to doing it because you’re telling me what to do” just causes problems. Avoid the
problems by say, “You’re the only one, Obi-Wan. You’re the only one who knows what you want.
So I think it’s best you do it because you’ll get the best results.” Because if someone is
already telling you blah, blah, blah, they’re going to see it when it’s not done probably,
and you’re going to hear about it. Okay? And at work, we know you can’t just say “no”.
But by telling them that they would do the best job, you give them a compliment and allow
yourself to step back. And at home, you’re just saying, “Baby, you know what’s best.
Don’t let me get in the way of it.” Okay? Anyway. So these are three ways that you can
say no in English without saying “no”. And why are they important? Because I’ll be quite
honest with you. You’re learning a language. It’s difficult enough without the pressure
of having to tell people “no” because nobody wants to hear that. It helps save relationships.
Call me Dr. James. No. Dr. Phil exists, and I’m not stealing that silly name. Dr. Phil.
Okay? Mr. E and I, we’re out. What do you mean, “No”? No. The camera’s going off. It’s
going to go black, buddy. You can stay there all you want. Before I take off, we’re going
to www.engvid.com — see how it makes a W? “Eng” as in “English, “vid” as in “video” —
where you can learn more on communication skills, reading, writing, TOEFL, IELTS — the
whole kit and caboodle. All right? Take care, and I’ll see you soon.