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How To Communicate With Your Partner | Relationship Communication Advice


How to keep your man. How do you
have those tough relationship conversations? Today, I want to show you an essential relationship
communication skill to keep your relationship amazing. Don’t forget to download the first
chapter of my book from the link in the description, and I’ll see you on the other side of this. [Music] Jermia: Okay. I absolutely have nothing to
wear tomorrow night. I’m just going to go to the shops. Mark: Babe, we don’t want to be spending money
on clothes. Let’s find you something in the wardrobe. Jermia: No, I’ve looked through literally
everything. I have nothing. I’m just going to go to the shops. Mark: What are you talking about? You went
clothes shopping last week. You have so many clothes. Jermia: I bought a pair of shoes. It’s been
like over a month since I bought a new dress. I’m allowed to spend money on things that
make me feel good. Mark: This is so stupid. We don’t have money
for this. Jermia: Oh, so it’s stupid for me to want
to feel good and look nice. Seem to recall that you had money to spend on video games,
which you care about more than me apparently. Mark: Sorry for wanting to relax once in a
while. Jermia: Sorry for wanting to f*cking feel
good! Mark: Don’t be a b*tch. Jermia: Don’t be a d*ck. Okay, so the conversation you’ve
just witnessed is a cliche example of how downhill some relationship discussions can
go. So what I want to do in today’s video is dissect a little bit what happened here,
and how you can prevent conversations like this eroding your relationship. Now, I want
to talk about a critical concept when you’re having these tricky discussions with your
partner, it’s called a goal shift point. When you enter a conversation with your partner,
you each have some sort of goal that you want from it. In this conversation, Jermia’s goal
was to look good for her partner on a Saturday night, to look good for herself on a Saturday
night. Mark’s goal in the conversation was to save money. At least that’s how it started.
And then something interesting happened that neither person was aware of as it went on
– their goals changed. A goal shift point occurred quite
a few times. We know this because if you look at the statements that were made in isolation,
they don’t make sense relative to the original goal. Remember Jermia’s goal when she started
the conversation was to look good on Saturday night and yet by the end of the conversation
she was making statements like, well, sorry for wanting to feel good and what are you
thinking buying that stupid video game. Neither of these statements lead her to feeling good
on Saturday night. The same was true for Mark. Remember, Mark started the conversation with
the goal of saving money and yet he found himself making statements like, wow, sorry
for wanting to relax and what are you talking about? Neither of those statements helped
him save money. In fact, that dare I say pissing off his partner is probably going to cost
him money in the long term. So what happened? What I’m going to do now is replay the conversation
and I’m going to highlight the goals as they shift and you’re going to see exactly when
each partner’s goal shifts in the conversation. Jermia: Okay, I have absolutely nothing to
wear tomorrow night. I’m just going to go to the shops. Mark: Babe, we don’t want to be spending money
on clothes. Let’s find you something from the wardrobe. Jermia: No, I’ve looked through literally
everything. I have nothing. I’m just going to go to shops. Mark: What are you talking about? You went
clothes shopping last week. You have so many clothes. Jermia: I bought a pair of shoes. It’s been
like over a month since I bought a new dress. I’m allowed to spend money on things that
make me feel good, Mark. Mark: This is so stupid. We don’t have money
for this. Jermia: Ah so it’s stupid for me to want to
feel good and look nice. Seem to recall that you have money to spend on video games, which
you care about more than me apparently. Mark: Well, sorry for wanting to relax once
in a while. Jermia: Well, sorry for wanting to f*cking
feel good. Mark: Don’t be a b*tch. Jermia: Don’t be a d*ck. Hopefully you can now see how their
goals shifted throughout the conversation. They started out with one target in mind and
ended up pushing each other on two completely different tracks and making statements that
were not relevant at all to their original goals. So how do you fix it? Well, it’s simple.
It’s not easy, but it is simple. You just have to ask yourself, does the statement I’m
about to make still put me on track to my original goal? If it doesn’t, then you’ve
got to put your ego aside and say, well, what do I need to say now that gets me and this
conversation back on track to the original goal and the things that we wanted. I’m going
to replay this conversation twice now and I’m going to give you an example from both
sides where one partner tries to drag the conversation away and talk about different
goals and the other partner is just rock solid and keep bringing the conversation back to
the original goals. Jermia: Okay, I have absolutely nothing to
wear tomorrow. I’m going to go to the shops. Mark: Babe, we don’t want to be spending more
money on clothes. Go to your wardrobe. You’ll find something there. Jermia: No, I’ve looked through literally
everything. I have nothing to wear. I’m just going to go to the shops. Mark: What are you telling me about? You went
clothes shopping last week. You have so many clothes. Jermia: Yeah, I bought a pair of shoes, but
I don’t have anything that goes with them. Mark: This is so stupid. You have so many
clothes. We don’t have money to be spending on clothes. Jermia: Look, I understand that you’re concerned
about money and I respect that and I appreciate the fact that you’re bringing up because you
only want what’s best for us, but can you also appreciate the fact that if I don’t feel
good in what I’m wearing then I am not going to have a good time, and let’s face it, and
neither are you. Mark: Yeah. Jermia: Okay. Well, we can work out it like
a budget or a plan or something, so that way, I can feel good but you don’t feel like we’re
burning money either. So come to my wardrobe and I’ll show you what the problem is and
then we’ll sit down and sort it out after that. Mark: Okay. Come on. Jermia: Okay. I have absolutely nothing to
wear tomorrow, I’m going to go to the shops. Mark: Babe, we don’t really want to be spending
more money on clothes. Let’s go to your wardrobe and see what’s there. Jermia: No, I’ve looked through everything.
I have like absolutely nothing to wear. I’m just going to go to the shops. Mark: What are you talking about? You went
clothes shopping last week. You have so many clothes. Jermia: I bought a pair of shoes, but I haven’t
bought a new dress in like over a month. I’m allowed to spend money on things that make
me feel good, Mark. Mark: Okay. I guess that’s true. Yes you are.
I guess like you know me, I just, I stress over money. I get worried. I just want us
to have that deposit together so we can start our lives and I just get concerned that these
random expenses that we’re having are going to stop us doing that. Jermia: Yeah. Well maybe if you weren’t such
a stinge we would probably take more risks with money and then have more. Mark: Okay. My goal here is not to fight with
you. That’s not going to help us. So why don’t we go and have a look at your closet. We’ll
see what’s going on. Like I can help you throw out stuff that you don’t want to use anymore.
And then maybe if we like set aside some money each month, like a closed account or something,
we can sit down and do that. And then like we can have new clothes and stuff and you
can feel good, but it won’t be these random unpredictable expenses like it has been cause
it just stresses me out this way. Could we do that? Jermia: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, that sounds
fair. Mark: Okay, let’s go have a look. Well, hopefully now you’ve seen
some good examples of how that works and how you can help bring conversations back to the
original goal. Show this video to your partner, discuss it with your partner. Always go, is
this statement still working towards the goals that I, and he came to the conversation with? Well, that’s the video. Thank
you for watching. Let me know your thoughts, comments, questions, et cetera. I’d love to
hear them put them in the space below. You know what to do. Give the video a thumbs up,
hit that subscribe button and the little bell, so you get the notifications and I’ll see
you in the next video very soon. [Music]

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