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Demetri Martin Performs a Hilarious Standup Set


Thanks, everybody. I’m really excited to be here. This is a first for me. Never been on Ellen, so
thank you for having me. And I’m really excited
because Halloween’s coming up. I don’t know if anybody is
excited about Halloween. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. I love Halloween,
my favorite holiday. I think Halloween’s
the best, because it’s the only holiday you
don’t have to celebrate with your family,
which is great. [LAUGHTER] You never hear, what are
you doing for Halloween? I got to fly back east
and go trick or treating with my parents. [LAUGHTER] They got a divorce, so I got
to bring two different costumes this year. [LAUGHTER] OK, I’ll take that. I think based on
their behavior, It seems like cherry
tomatoes are not really interested in
participating in the salad, I’ve noticed. I try to get one, it’s
like, whoa, look out, watch out, whoa, I
don’t think so, whoa. [LAUGHTER] It’s like a beach ball on a
little rubber ball, you know. I’m tired of salad. I can’t eat salad anymore. It’s too exhausting, you know. You have to like, get
all the ingredients, wash them, dry the lettuce,
then mix them together, dress the salad. Then you go to eat
the salad, and it’s like, I got to make
a copy of the salad on my fork for every bite. I have to like,
remake the salad. I’ll be like, lettuce, tomato,
onion, mushroom, here we go. Got to make another
salad, here we go. [LAUGHTER] Lettuce, onion. It’s like making 14 salads when
you have a salad, you know. That’s probably why in a
restaurant, they’re like, are you still working
on that salad? And I’ll be like,
you’re damn right I’m working on this salad. [LAUGHTER] I’ve been working– all
right, that’s my salad joke. [LAUGHTER] This is really edgy stuff. I’m doing salad and
cherry tomatoes. I think they could
probably bring fajitas out from the kitchen a
little bit later. [LAUGHTER] That’s the whole joke. That’s it. [LAUGHTER] That’s a smoke-based joke. It’s just how the fajitas
are smoking and stuff. That’s OK. This isn’t live, right? All right, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Let me act like
that joke did well. All right. [LAUGHTER] I was eating a fajita, and I
burned the roof of my mouth. And I was like, ow, it really
hurts the roof of my mouth. It’s killing me. And I thought, wait a
minute, the roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. [LAUGHTER] The roof of my mouth is up here. [LAUGHTER] Whoever named this was not
using the attic of their mouth at all. [LAUGHTER] How do you market
a cruise to people? That seems kind of hard. Do you know what I mean,
like, hey, do you like hotels? Yeah. How about one that could sink? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, I could drown
in my bedroom. Yeah, that sounds great. Near the top of
the list of ways I would not want to die would
be to drown in the swimming pool on the deck
of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. [LAUGHTER] So did you hear about Demitri? Yeah, he drowned in
the Pacific Ocean. No, no, no, he drowned
on the Pacific Ocean. The boat was totally fine. He just found this one
rectangle of water. And it was in there that he– [LAUGHTER] I think a treehouse
is really insensitive. That’s like killing
something and then making one of its
friends hold it. [LAUGHTER] Well, it’s weird. Sometimes, I’ll be
cleaning up at home. And I’ll have the
broom and the dust pan. And I’m sweeping up. And it’s weird
because the dust pan is like, willing to help out
just to a point, I’ve noticed. I’m like, OK, we’re almost done. Just a little bit
left, here we go. The dust pan’s
like, I’m done now. I’m not picking that up. [LAUGHTER] There’s just a
little bit, go on. No, no, I’m not picking that up. [LAUGHTER] The hell you’re not. We’re going perpendicular. You’re picking this up, come on. [LAUGHTER] It’s like, nope. Just take the broom
and redistribute it around the apartment. [LAUGHTER] Like, fine. I think they should have
positive uses for blow darts too. Like, if you have to
get your kid vaccinated, you know, you go to the
pediatrician, and they’re like, do you want regular or
blow dart for these shots? [LAUGHTER] Oh, blow dart. That sounds kind of interesting. Yeah, that sounds great. And the kids just like, sitting
on that table, you know. The doctor just pops
in, phew, shoot, whoa! [LAUGHTER] Sweetie, you’re done. That’s it. You got your vaccination. It’s all done. I feel like everybody wins. The doctors like, this is
the best part of my day. I love my job. [LAUGHTER] And the parents like, you know,
he was acting up on the way over. So, yes, thank you. And the kid has no fear. There’s no anticipation,
until the next time they go to the doctor’s office. At the front door, they’re
like, all right, where is he? [LAUGHTER] I can’t wait till we have
driverless cars everywhere. I think that will be
great, because it will just be a matter of time before
people realize that they could just get a car for their dogs. It should be awesome. Like, honey, where are the dogs? I got them a car. They’re just driving
around for an hour. [LAUGHTER] Can you imagine being in a red
light, and a car full of dogs just pulls up next
to you, just like– [LAUGHTER] It’s the best day ever. And if you get into an accident
with a car full of dogs, how mad are you going to be? You get out of the car and
you’re like, son of a– hello. [LAUGHTER] Where’s your insurance? [LAUGHTER] Go get your insurance. Good boy, go ahead. That’s it, thank you. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, everybody. Oh my god. Hilarious, hilarious. Thanks, Ellen. Thanks a lot. Thanks for having me. Thank you. So funny. All right. You have to see his
Netflix special too. The Netflix special
is hilarious. Tickets for new Demitri
Martin’s Wandering Mind tour go on sale today. Go to our website for details.

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