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How To Learn Sign Language

Deaf, Sex, and Communication | Rikki Poynter


[INTRO] So… In this video, we’re
gonna talk about something I’ve never covered on YouTube before, only on social media vaguely, and that is sex. So parents, if you’re watching this and you don’t want your child to see this, viewer discretion right now. Although I would highly advise that when the time comes, one, don’t be Texas and
teach them abstinence only, because that doesn’t work if
you know those statistics, and they gotta know about it sometime and they gotta be safe about it. But this video about sex is going to be a very specific kind of thing and that is deaf sex and communication. That sounds so strange, but. Hannah Witton and I were actually going to do a collab at VidCon. That didn’t work out due to our schedules, but we were gonna do
something along the lines of being in, like, a
deaf-hearing relationship and then figuring out communication when you’re doing the do because that’s something
that’s very important. As you know, and if you don’t know, you really should know because
this is very important, but always, you should always have consent before you do any sort of
sexual activity ever, okay? If you don’t have consent, don’t do it, that’s rape, okay? Just know that right now. So when you’re in a deaf
and hearing relationship, there’s all kinds of
communication barriers sometimes just depending on what one’s personal communication
way is when they’re deaf, like say, somebody who is mainstream and just talks and doesn’t sign at all, or if the deaf person in
the relationship signs only, and then the hearing
person isn’t exactly fluent and is just learning. So sometimes there can be a little bit of a disconnect somewhere in regular communication and something as extreme as this, because this is something
very important, obviously. And sometimes I wonder should this be a common
sense kind of question? But whatever, somebody
asked and I’m filming today, so we’re gonna, let’s just cover it. So if your partner is deaf and you want to find out if doing this is okay
at this particular time, because just so you know, people can stop whenever they want. If they say no in the middle of it, they can say no, okay? But here’s the thing, and I understand this because I would feel the same personally, if it’s dark and you can’t see anything, naturally, communication
is gonna be a little weird. But you don’t wanna constantly
get in and out of bed and turn the light on
every couple of minutes, because that can bring the mood down. Same for if you wanna be like, um, we gotta stop right now, okay? I gotta go pull out the iPad and write this down or type this down or get a piece of paper. So as someone who has had sex for the past year or so in a relationship, I’m gonna tell you how it would work. First of all, learn some
basic signs, you know? This is yes. This is no. I want this. I don’t want this. Stop it. That’s pretty much what you need to know and then you would be pretty okay. Look for your nods and your shakes when it comes to the head, and I don’t mean down there, I mean up here. Your noggin, right here. Gosh, this video is so weird to do. You can tell in a person’s eyes, you can tell when you look at a person’s face. If they’re shaking their head, they don’t want it. If they’re nodding their head, yes. But of course, definitely make sure, double check, because there’s always a chance that something could go wrong. And nobody likes it when things go wrong because that’s going
to be very traumatising for both parties. It’s very important that you double check, triple check, quadruple
check with your partner whether this person
identifies as a man, a woman, non-binary, whatever, you need to double check. And this goes for
everyone, hearing or not. Let’s be real here, okay? We know this by now. You should know this by now. And if you are having sex, always be safe, okay? Condoms, birth control, they’re great, they’re
beautiful inventions. Use them. If you’re not trying to conceive, use them, okay? Trust me, it’s much cheaper than going through an abortion
or having a baby, okay? Just keep that in mind before you do anything. And always communicate
before you do anything. You don’t need to, you
don’t need to plan out and have a play-by-play, but understand your boundaries, understand signals like yes,
I would be okay with this, or this is how I would
act in the middle of this if I don’t wanna do this. Talk it out. Be safe and talk it out, okay? So yeah, if you want to
follow me on my social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, links to that will be down below. If you wanna support my YouTube channel monthly on Patreon, you can be a patron. The link will be down below as well. I upload videos every Monday and Thursday, unless something happens. And I will see you later. Bye. [POKEMON OUTRO]

28 Replies to “Deaf, Sex, and Communication | Rikki Poynter”

  • I will say one thing. Communication is key. No matter what. Trust me Guys (GUYS reading this) you don't wanna get that Charge on your rap sheet. It's not a pretty court trial. (I'm sorry I feel I had to say something, I've done Domestic victims consulting. It's not something's that just anyone can do. I say this with a heavy hart)

  • this was great! I know yes, no, and thank you in asl, plus the alphabet. gotta work on more, regardless of my sex life. 😀

  • I am in 100% agreement that basic sign AND talking about it prior to sex/lovemaking to come up with agreements on certain things are the keys. To avoid having to getting off and on the bed just to turn on the light, it'd be best to have a low light (candle, night light, dimmer, etc) on all the times. What fun is that if having sex in total darkness anyway? Maybe better doing it during day time? Get over all qualms (self-conscious on one's body, etc). This is based on the assumption that two know each other well, whether it be a serious relationship, dating relationship, or one night stand.

  • Great video, Rikki! Like you said, it's mostly common sense but apparently you have to remind people of consent and communication in delicate situations. There's a couple of videos of a lecture on slang and sex stuff signs somewhere on YouTube. It's a good place to start if someone's looking for more specific signs.

  • Tbh, I'm grateful that you posted on this topic. I'm HOH and I've always been secretly terrified about getting intimate bc of it (like, would I have to wear my hearing aids? Would I ruin the mood constantly clarifying since I can't hear whispers?). This answered some of my questions, so thnx for these tips Rikki!!

  • Because our sex education is so awful and nothing has ever been covered about having sex with someone who is Deaf, its important that videos like this exist for people who don't understand. P.S I am loving your Pikachu birthday badge, happy late birthday!!

  • As a hearing signer in a relationship with a Deaf ASL user, Deaf sex is blunt and tactile. I think each relationship is unique to itself regardless of communication and like you said, consenting to any sexual activity and the communication within those activities must be fit for the individuals involved. We do the repetitive tapping [the annoying kind] to get each other's attention and tight squeezes [the not sexual kind] to stop. Using hearing privilege for those back channeling feedbacks is useful–especially for people in new relationships too shy to open the discussion at first.

    Considering the 'dark' part–not to generalize, but doing it in the dark with a deaf person is a funny concept for me! I'm so used to lights being on all the time, even to watch movies so we can 'see the captions better' and so 'we can talk'. Definitely a cultural thing!

    Great video–very cool to connect with someone on this topic. Safe, consensual, fun, and healthy sex for all [that are interested and age appropriate!]

  • Something my boyfriend and I do is set overall boundaries. (We are both hearing, but this is just a suggestion about consent and communication). Like before we start doing anything I might say "I only want to kiss" so he knows not even to ask about, or try anything else until I say that I have changed my mind.

    There is also the other end of the spectrum where I'd say "just go until I stop you." He's always expected to move slowly so I have ample time to stop him in that case. The same respect for him is expect of me as well. These boundaries are set only for each specific interaction. We never say to each other "yeah, I'm up for anything from now until eternity unless I say otherwise." Some days we even say "ask before you hug me" because we're not feeling intimate at all.

    —IMPORTANT—
    !!!We are in a serious and long-term relationship so we are very good at reading each other's body language now, so overall boundaries work for us.!!! They may not work for you.

    At the beginning of the relationship we would verbally ask each other before doing anything and we would always double check. Even after three years we double check. Maybe my nod was too small, or didn't seem sincere to him, so he'll ask "was that a yes?" and I say "yes" out loud.

    Communicating doesn't kill the mood, it improves it because we can be confident in our actions and not have to worry that the other person might be unhappy.

  • omg I love you so much… as someone who is trying really hard to learn sign language and put it in to my everyday life this helps a lot I think you are an amazing youtuber… and I would love to actually meet you cause I think that would be awesome

  • not only do i love this for being inclusive of all genders, but this is such an important topic and you spoke about it very very well, great video, rikki.

  • Great video! I must admit though that every time I hear the phrase "Doing the do" I think of those old Mountain Dew commercials with the line "Do the Dew!"

  • Very thoughtful and educational video, esp. on these points:

    – 0:22: "One, don't be Texas…" Don't live or visit Texas, check! I mean I kinda see your point about why I shouldn't be a Texan when watching this video, I mean cuz everything about Texas, including Ted Cruz himself, sucks, right!?

    – 0:40: "That sounds so strange…" Really! I thought Sex and Candy, romantic novels, Twilight, or anything related to sex, or just sex itself, was strange and weird.

    – 1:48: "should this be a common sense kind of question?" Hmm, that's a great question! Maybe, it shouldn't be about common sense. Rather, it maybe should be about the bat-shit crazy thinking behind it, the sex itself, right!? I mean think about it, where do the terms "orgasm" and "love" came from?

    – 2:11: "if it's dark and you can't see anything, naturally, communication is gonna be a little weird." I agree totally; I agree w/ you 100% totally! After all, sex is like a dark and murky passage. I mean the darkness behind this one, deep, black, and even slimy (Oh god!) hole can be a scary place to many people. It tempts you to think that only the bravest would dare to go in it. That's probably why it's also hard to see through it, because we can't see any logical and understanding reasoning or motive behind going into that dark passage and come out from it with pride and dignity. I mean think about it, what's more safer than not going in to it and just live on to an innocent, clean, safe, and even smarter life that many people in this society would hold very little value on?

    – 2:39: "First of all, learn some basic signs, you know! This is yes (hand knocking). This is no (three fingers tapping). I want this (hands moving up and do a squeezing motion, like groping a woman's breast) I don't want this (hands shaking like "Uh, Uh"). Stop this (hand-chopping movement like I'm cutting the shit)." Of course. We all need to know these "basic" signs. It's common sense after all. I mean, how can a hand moving up and moving in the fingers inward like I'm squeezing something not be a symbol for "I want this?" It's common sense, everyone! It's common sense.

    – 2:54: "Look for your nods and your shakes when it comes to the head." WHOA, WHOA! KEEP IT PG. My little brother is watching this.

    – 3:03: "You can tell in a person's eyes…" That is so true. Listen to what this woman said; she has a good point about that. Take it from my experience: every time I ask a woman out, they always give me a "Are you fucking kidding me" face. Every time this happens, you should know that this facial expression indicates that they don't want to go out with you. From understanding that, I always accepted their answers and always walk away from it, and that's it. Everybody wins from this: women will always walk away from me, safe and happy, and I'll always…oh my god!!

    – 3:25: "It's very important that you double check, triple check, quadruple check with your partner, whether this person identifies as a man, a woman, non-binary, whatever…" Also very true. You can't trust or confirm everything from just looking at it. You can't confirm by looking at their face. You can't confirm by seeing if they have breasts or not. You can't even confirm from even someone who pulls down his/her own pants and say "Hey! So, what do you think?" Your eye will always deceive you, no matter what. So every time you're about to have sex with your partner, make sure you always carry a clipboard with a paper checklist of anything your want to say to your partner: Are you a man or a woman? Do you like me or not, and how much? Do you feel comfortable with having sex with me; and if so, why; if not, why not? etc. And also wear glasses during that interview; you'll look cooler when you look like a nerd. Watch Seinfeld, episode 119: The Sponge, to get the idea.

    – 3:46: "Condoms, birth control, they're great, they're beautiful inventions." Absolutely. They look just as beautiful and adorable as Leonardo da Vinci's Baptism of Christ, or Raphael's The School of Athens, or Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling.

    – 3:50: "USE THEM!" That image is what the American image is suppose to be. Not that Uncle Sam picture shit. That one.

    But in all honesty, these information you've presented are very important to discuss and know. I'm serious about that!

  • awesme 😛 this is my first post on your channel, was looking at one of ur video on FB and brought me here.. keep up the great work Rikki 😛

  • Weird question but since you are some what able to hear, is dirty talking an option for those HOH or something you prefer?

  • Really, I mean WTF. Texas does not teach abstinence only. Fuckin ass. Seriously I am 39 years old and was taught safe sex in the 5th grade lived in texas my whole life. For some one who was probably bullied most of there life for a disability. You sure are quick to pick on people.

  • Just because the statics of Pre-marital are high doesn't abstinence shouldn't be tougher.

    If anything, teen pregnancies are still high and contradict your comment. You have your right to your opinion, but you don't have to be condescending.

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